So, the Chittie Lounge... I love that place. I usually hang out on the Itty Bitty Chittie Committee site (IBCC). It's a section of the lounge where women who are trying to conceive or are pregnant or who just had babies, go to ask questions, talk about their experiences and help other moms-to-be. I just realized how jealous I am of them all... I posted on there and told them last week that I was PG. I had to post this AM and let them all know I had a m/c. It's sad, but they are such a great network of women, that they are actually helpful in situations like this. I had 60 replies to my post, all of them offering support, many of them whom have had m/c of their own. It's uplifting to know I"m not alone, but I still feel alone. No one will know how I feel. No one will ever understand what goes on in my head. And I don't understand how I'm going to deal with this insane jealousy I have over those women that are pregnant and have babies... it's like dreading going to Florida now. My SIL is pregnant...she'll be 6 months pregnant when we visit. I'm jealous of her too. Seeing her big beautiful belly is going to make me want to throw up, I just know it. And I'll have to fake it. I'm not too excited about that. Not sure I'll be able to pull it off... we'll see. Just.stay.drunk.Trudi.... maybe that'll help. Probably not, but what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?
Any way, I've decided to stay away from the chittie lounge for a while. It's just too hard to handle. I wonder how long I"ll go through these bouts of sadness... It's like one minute I feel great, I feel like things are where they should be, that things have happened for a reason and I'm lucky to have the wonderful husband that I do... and then the next minute, I'm thinking about it too much and think about how it's going to sound when Heather comes over and says "My mommy is giving me a brother/sister so you don't have to anymore." I had a dream that Steve's ex got PG before me. Not married or anything... just pg. I woke up hating her more than I have ever hated any soul on earth. Not that I've ever truly hated anyone...she's the first. And that dream...didn't help her case any.
When will these feelings fade? Will my life be a total rollercoaster until I find myself Pregnant and 20 weeks along? I can tell you this, I'm not telling a soul next time, until I'm at least 12 weeks... at LEAST. I know, I'm going to get obsessed with charting, figuring out when I'm ovulating and I'm completely going to plan my next pregnancy. I hope it doesn't consume me. And I'm not testing alone ever again. But even so, testing with Steve, I wonder if I'll get excited. I don't think I will. I won't be excited until I get to that 20 week point. Until Dr Logan can tell me 100% that I"m having a healthy baby.
And will I start getting pissed when people continue to say "When are YOU planning on having kids?" Will I find myself replying "When we're fucking ready to have kids, thats when." Or will I say "Never." What will I say? Will I burst into tears? Will I look at Steve and say "What do you think babe, should we ask everyone when a good time for them would be, for US to start trying for a baby?" I'm angry inside.
And at the same time, I have wonderful nesties reaching out to me, telling me their stories. My Dr said that I'll be surprised how many people will admit to having a m/c, once I tell them. It's more common than I thought. One of them told me she m/c at 8 weeks. Was totally devastated and ended up PG 3 months later. She's now at her 20 week point with a very healthy baby boy.
Maybe this is "his" way of getting back at me for not wanting to make my child suffer through a Christmas birthday. Hey, how bout this, we'll get you PG as a sick joke, ON Christmas, let you miscarry and then tell you that it's okay to try again...right around the time that would give you a Christmas baby. Talk about fucking karma. don't mess with that bitch, she just threw it right back in my face.
Well how bout that....
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