Everybody Loves a Monkey

Why oh why, I have the Gambler in my head, I have no idea. You gotta know when to Hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away... ugh... get outta here!!!

So, I guess this is it. So much to write about, so much to explain. So many thoughts bouncing around in this melon of mine. Where to start. Oh, I know, start on Saturday:

Saturday night, I was really excited to lay on the couch with Steve. It's all I could think about all day long. Well, turns out, we ended up doing dinner with the neighbors and then watching a movie at their house. I was actually pissed off. Yeah, totally pissed. I should have told Steve that I didn't want to do that, that all I wanted was to lay on the couch with him. I needed him. I felt clingy and was truly upset when we agreed to go to their house. Stupid girl, I know. I should be speaking my mind, but instead, I didn't and I paid the price.

Sitting on their couch, I felt a pain in my back. I thought it was their "too soft" couch. Not the case. Sunday I woke up with spotting. I cried. I actually laid on the floor and cried, begging god not to take my baby. In retrospect, it wasn't god doing anything, it was my body. Then came the bleeding. Heavy period accompanied with some much hated clots. I knew what was happening to my body. My wonderful Steve tried to make me feel better by looking up spotting, and told me how common it was... but I knew. And then the blame started. It's my fault, I did something wrong, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with my body? What did I do to deserve this? I actually apologized to god for whatever it was that I did. And I'm not a religious person. So I thought to myself "Self, get up off of this floor. You don't pray to god on a daily basis. You're being a hypocrit. You can't just ask him to be there for you, only when you need him." You know what though? MY god is with me at all times. And my random thoughts, well those just may be me talking to him. And I'm okay with talking to this higher being when I need it... so what? If there is a god, then that higher being will be fine with me talking to it in the time of need. Why? Because if said being exists, this being created me to take care of myself... to grow, to learn, to be self sufficient... And if every once in a while, I need to reach out, so be it. MY god is okay with that.

back to earth, wackjob...c'mon already...

Anyway, so today I went to the Dr. It was supposed to be my first appt to talk about the baby, but instead, I talked about miscarriages. Now, I switched dr's because this one delivers at Lake Forest hospital and I've heard nothing but good things about that hospital. I didn't, however, want a male doctor. THere is one female dr in this office. She wasn't available so I had to go through this guy. Well, he was wonderful. Just wonderful. Very sweet, older man. He told me he and his wife had a miscarriage on their first try. He was very positive and said that, not to make light of the situation, but there is indeed a pregnancy and that's what really matters. I CAN get pregnant. So, our bodies have a way of knowing...and maybe my body knew this baby wouldn't be healthy, or something along those lines, but he truly believes it is for the best. And so do I. I go back on Wed for the second round of blood tests and they'll let me know on Thursday, the results. I know what's going on in there though. I can feel it. It'll confirm what I feel and then we can begin to move on. I think I may have already began.

The feelings.

They're overwhelming at times. My husband, my Steve... he is amazing. He's gotten so good at feeling me out and then reacting. It's no secret that I'm a moody gal. He's gotten so good at reading those emotions. And now, he's so supportive and so positive, he's my rock. I love him more than life itself. I think it's probably a bit frustrating for him though. I mean, he can't possibly know what I'm going through in my head. And I wouldn't want him to experience that. Sometimes, I wish I could see how he's feeling but I think that maybe it was too early for him to actually have feelings about the baby. I don't know though. It would be nice to know. I don't want to ask though because it'll make me cry if he is hurting. But I want to know still.

One really bad side of all of this... Heather. It's not fair to her. Why? Its' not like I don't love her... but this weekend, she really put me over the edge. It was really strange becasue usually she's so clingy, but this weekend, she kept looking at me in a really strange "You're not my mom" look. And she was being really sneaky. She goes to her dad, whispering in front of me, because she knows he's more likely to let her have whatever she wants. The two problems with this? 1. it's rude. She has no manners (with the exception of saying excuse me when she farts), or so her mother isnt' teaching what is nice and what isn't nice to do in front of people. Apparently her mother is leading by example which isn't surprising but it sure as hell is frustrating when she comes to our house. I don't like bad manners. Steve on the other hand, doesn't really care. Which makes him mad at me for being disgusted with Heather for chewing with her mouth open and talking with food in her mouth. I guess these two things are okay in his world. I tried to ignore it but the only way to deal with it is to leave the room and he doesn't like that either. Can't win there. and 2. it just goes to show how FAR from being a step mom I am to her. She doesn't listen to a thing I say because if she did, she'd understand that she's not going to get in trouble for asking me something..in fact, she's more likely to get what she wants if she's open about it, instead of sneaking around and trying to get what she wants. It just seems the older she gets, the more she tries to make sure I know, I'm not her mom. No shit kid. I get this. I get it from all the times you tell me "Well my MOM lets me do XYZ." or "Well my MOM does XYZ". Will we ever get past that? I hope so.

What really sucks, and I can't bear to tell Steve this is that I can't even look at the kid right now in light of all of this. She's not mine. She never will be. You know, people always say, it's hard to love someone else's kid as if they were your own. Now, I thought I did. I really truly thought that I had all the love in the world for her. But... getting pregnant and the sheer joy of knowing that this baby I was about to bring into the world, was NO ONES but mine and Steve's... well THAT was just the most amazing feeling. And sad to say, it BLEW that feeling for Heather, out of the water. I mean, it was so intense, the excitement, being so anxious to hold OUR child in my hands... way more intense than I ever thought it would be. Dont' get me wrong, I do love Heather with all my heart and would do anything for her...she's a great kid and I am VERY lucky to have her in my life... but these emotions... intense. It's like, all the wonderful feelings, the emotions, that happiness that you look for your entire life, all bundled into one tiny person that I was going to bring into this world...all I could think about is Steve's face after holding his son for the first time...and looking at me.. I was blown away thinking about it.

Heather is his. She's not mine. And it makes me sad to look at her and think...he had that with someone else and so far, I can't give that to him. THAT hurts so bad, I can't even begin to explain.

So for Heather, I feel sad. And this may sound like a jackass thing to say, but I feel bad for her that she isn't 100% mine. Because I don't doubt that her mother loves her unconditionally, the child Steve and I bring into this world will be beyond lucky... and filled with more love than anyone could possibly imagine. I can't wait. I'm just worried how Heather will handle it. Becasue this isn't going to be something that I'll be able to hide. I mean, not that I love heather less, but the love for this new child... I won't be able to hide that. I dont' want to. I just feel bad. I hope Heather doesn't look at that love and feel left out. Like she missed out on something. I think these are rational fears on my part... I hope at least.

Enough jabbering. I have to go to the bathroom. (oh joy) I miss him already. It's only noon. Can't wait to see him tonight. His face, his hand in mine... seems to make the world seem like such a better place. He is what love is all about. And if anything in the world, I am thankful for him.