Everybody Loves a Monkey

Usually, I'm overwhelmed with feelings. Happy, sad, excited, even confused. I'm an emotional person, I'm a very sensitive person. This is me, I'm used to that. Lately, I feel like I haven't had any feelings. Good or bad. I got angry in the car the other day for making a stupid "do I get off the expressway and get away from this bad traffic or not" decision. And yesterday, I started really missing Heather. Other than that, I feel like I'm ice skating. sliding along, no real emotions. Numb. I'm not trying to hold anything back. I'm not trying to fake anything. There's just nothing there. My little world inside this gray matter used to be filled with ups and downs of emotions. I wonder how I'm supposed to break free of this. It doesn't hurt, I don't feel like I'm going to explode, doesn't feel like there are things I need to talk about... it's like someone turned off the faucet.

I wish I could talk here and get that ball rolling again. Get the feelings to come out. The thoughts. I don't know what it is. It's not boding well for my relationship either. I know it's 50/50, but I certainly can't be making things easy for my husband. He's a good guy but doesn't do well with things like this. I'm sure he can sense it, sense that something is wrong. I wish I knew what was wrong so I could talk about it, but I don't.

Physically, I feel okay, outside of feeling fat. Sometimes I wonder if this is me slipping into that world, slipping into "my place" in life and this is the way it's supposed to be. You start off on this high where everything is so intense, so bold, so fun. The honeymoon I guess. Maybe my life is meant to be this way. I doubt it, but you can't help but wonder. I just don't feel like myself.

Twice now in the past week, I found myself in conversations which I started to get nervous and then babbled on and just feel like a total idiot. That's just not me. For instance, one of them was me talking to a guy that works at a restaurant we go to a lot. He's a nice guy. Everyone seems to think he's gay and I didn't pick that up at all. Well of course, I get in this conversation with him the other day about an ex-employee there that I couldn't stand, who was gay. Imagine where that went. Dumb girl, "I have gay friends, but this guy was such a bitch." and then I realized I'm talking to a guy that everyone else seems to think is gay and I got all stupid and mumbly. Dumb girl. He obviously didn't care, but I dragged it on too long and now I feel like an ass. I'm sure he didn't give a hoot but still. I don't want to offend people.