My shirt, I hadn't realized, is really faded and it's making me want to run out and buy a new one. I hate faded black.
The weekend has left me in a bit of a trance I guess. I'm tired. It was long, and draining. Saturday I went downtown to my jeweler's place with a couple of girlfriends. One of them is getting her wedding band made. I can't wait to see it. Beautiful engagement ring. I had specific orders to "upgrade" my diamond studs, but I decided against it. The bigger ones, just aren't me. At all.
I do enjoy browsing though. Good clean fun. I was also given the chance to trade in my birthday ring, which I thought I would end up doing, but again, decided against it. See, for my b-day, the husband bought me a ring I was in love with for the past year. Well, it was a surprise for me and he wasn't sure which one it was so it ended up being the wrong ring. No biggie. We headed down to the jeweler that weekend and I ended up picking out a totally different one. Why? I don't know. I was in love with the other one and then I picked a different one because it was smaller and it would probably get more wear. I'm still in love with the other ring, but it's too big.
Still fun, nonetheless.
Something that's sorta freakin me out? Everyone seems to use the term "pops" this weekend. "That ring pops with that band around it" "her eyes pop with her hair that color" "this entree pops with this side" WTF?
What else... well, had a spat with the husband. Not a spat. It's different. I feel like I've been doing everything around the house, cleaning, bills, laundry, tending to the cats, getting everyone ready and out the door on time.. just seems to be all on my shoulders lately and it's starting to make my back hurt. So Saturday, I kind of blew up. He told our little one that we'd go to breakfast together in the AM. I thought he should have talked to me about it because I had things to do around the house, cleaning and stuff. He turned it around and tells me that he's sorry to interfere with my Starbucks time, wouldn't want to put me out... well, I wasn't planning on doing starbucks, I really did have things I needed to get finished.
I think this all started building up in me when he was out of town. I got sooo much done at home, I was amazed. Why am I not this productive when he's here? Oh, that's right, because there's just THAT more to do when he is.
I'm tired.
I don't feel special anymore. I don't feel like he's trying to give me that "everything" that he promised. Now I'm just a fixture in his life. Maybe it's just a rut. I'm trying to look at this from all directions and maybe this isn't good but I looked at it from his ex's. He used to tell me that she wouldn't let him sit still on the weekends. Now I get it. Because that may be all he would do if he was given the opportunity. And he felt she didn't need him after she had the Heather. Well, of course she did, but she's busy doing all the things he wouldn't do AND taking care of the little one. I'm not defending her in any way, but I don't think I can do that. And he knows his fears... of being a bad dad early on. Why would he say that if he didn't know exactly what it meant? With all that I have now, and as tired as I am now. I don't think I can do this and have a baby. So maybe... maybe we should wait. We've only had half a conversation about what is building up in me, how I feel... There's so more to figure out. Hopefully we can continue to discuss this without the tables turning and me feeling like a 6 yr old who's done something wrong. Sometimes that's how the conversations end up. Which is why, a lot of the times, I bottle it up. It seems to be the only way I can continue to feel like an adult.
I love him, all the way. And I know this is the easy stuff to get through.. I just hope that int he grand scheme of things, if I can't get that "special" feeling back that at least I feel like a partner in this. Because right now, I feel like I'm the only one on this ship and there's just too much for one person to handle.
This is me, opening up. I promised my BFT that I wouldn't NOT write my true feelings, that I wouldn't "edit" the posts because other people can read them. Chances are, ppl that get bored with posts like these have already stopped reading.
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That is exactly what you should be doing, writing your true feelings. I think it's a 1.5 year rut. We seem to be in it too (not to talk about me, but to make you know that I feel the same way). Men just need nagging, huh? Kidding - i hate being a nag too, but seems either I nag or do it all myself.
Anyway, I will always read and Terriey-Terriey said on the phone last night that she was really enjoying reading your blog too! :)
Yeah, I've enjoyed her comments too! (she digs poop jokes)
Ugh, I guess maybe they do need a swift kick in the ass to keep them going or I"m going to be totally drained by it all. Just driving me crazy and feeling a little alone these days. :( Thanks for talking...letting me know you're here. I miss you! I know, you're busy with work and assembling your bed... which looks fantastic by the way!!! Just good to hear from ya.
Ok, I know I'm old and have been married forever!!!! but....here's my 6 1/2 cents worth. My sweetie and I didn't really like each other for probably a year and a half..he'd deny this but it's true.We LOVED and ADORED each other but like...eehhh...not so much. It takes a while for 2 souls to mesh into one..to figure out the dynamics of what works when and why and how... and to really learn the ( for lack of a better word) roles we'll each play. Just remember ..if the mere thought of not being with your spouse forever makes you sick to your stomach and just the THOUGHT of not being with him is 100x's worse than any argument you've had with him, you'll be fine! It really takes a while to learn how to turn your ideas and wishes into HIS ideas and wishes.
Now..go kick some ass!
LOL ;)
I panic when I think about him not being mine forever. Does that count? That anxious, I have to call him right now or I'll blow up, feeling, just to tell him I love him. Does that count?
tt, you should have a blog. I only know a couple comments on my blog and a couple on ETK's... and still I look forward to those comments. When will she strike again? Who is this masked woman? Does she save little kitties from trees when no one is looking?
Who knows, but she's pretty cool in my book.
You bet your little sweet keester it counts! That's what we call the " I-love-you-so-much-I-want-to-crawl-inside-you-so-we'll-be-complete" feeling. It's ewie-gooie mushie stuff that ppl say they don't feel but it's really there and needs to be acknowledged from time to time.
FYI- my sweetie had 2 wee ones when we got married. I love them as my own..had no choice in the matter because they are a part of him..you know how that goes. Of course when we 'adopted' ETK our family became complete. I love her AWFUL!
I sooooo look forward to reading your blog! As I've told ETK..I live vicariously through others and have such a scrambled,random and sometimes totally weird thought process that I can't seem to verbalize..( what a mouth full)( see what I mean?!)I couldn't possibly blog. Plus I totally suck at typing. This has taken me forever to write. Backspace and delete are my favorite buttons.
>>>(We do have several feral kitties that have taken up residency under out deck that we keep feeding...does that count?
I would "adopt" ETK but she won't have that. Maybe as my BFT. I do adore her and plan to continue stalking her as long as she allows. AND not to mention she has by far the most infectious laugh I've ever heard. I wish she'd drunk dial me after some of that pear vodka!
tt, I think you're wrong about the blog. I think the best ones are the most random thoughts that make your head spin. Those are the fun ones. I bet you'd be good at it. I tell ya, the only reason I let ETK get to me and went public, outside of her telling me how you would enjoy it, is because I went back and read some of my entries and actually laughed at myself.
I think I may be skitzo because reading them, I'm thinking "did I REALLY write that?". Good times. So if I get a bad comment, I'll blame it on that other personality I have. :)