So, I've been having a rough couple of days. Very emotional. Teary. Feeling alone. Which, I guess I kinda am. I don't really have any girlfriends in the area... none that I would pour my feelings out to, none that I could literally lean on their shoulders and cry to, none that I get excited to meet out on a date... My mom is 900 miles away from me and I'm having a pity party.
Babe did it again last night. Had a "business dinner" which he took a co-worker out to dinner to celebrate her success, which was really nice of him. He asked me ahead of time if they had too much to drink, if I would mind picking them up and driving her home. I didn't mind. It was nice of him to ask me instead of just assuming. Didn't mind at all. Until last night when I went shopping by myself, came home and cleaned by myself, ate by myself, watched Tv by myself until I fell asleep on the couch... and woke up at 11:30 with no signs of my husband. I called him and asked him "what the fuck are you doing?" Him: (Drunk)"Waiting for you to come pick us up." "I'll be there in 2 fucking minutes".
I'm done. I think I've accepted the fact that this PG is going to be all me. By myself. Sure, he may be there physically sometimes, but mentally, as far as support goes, as far as being considerate... as far as helping me cope with these ridiculous hormones... alone. I have a feeling this isn't the first time he's done this. Which may be why he felt that in his first marriage, all she needed was the baby, not him. Well, if you push and push and push... you get what you ask for and that would be him sinking himself into work and being "social" with everyone and neglecting to include me. I completely understand that there's a good chance I'm just being ultra hormonal but HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS ALONE? THIS is what he said he'd be there for...
I went to the Dr this morning. Just a routine checkup, blood pressure, pee in a cup, take 6 LARGE tubes of blood, leaving me with about half of what I showed up with at the doctors office. And then... he tells me I'm 14 weeks. I'm completely out of the red zone. Completely. No more looking back, just forward... and he pulled out the doppler and let me hear the heart beat (here come the tears. Literally.) and I heard it... and then I started crying (much like right now) So frustrated that A. he wasn't there with me. B. That I was still mad at him. and C. that it seems that this may be a sign of what's to come, being alone for the most important things to happen in my life. That heartbeat... is the most amazing thing I've ever heard. It rocked my world. One little beat after another... he's just chillin in there. I could have listened to it forever.
My Dr said to me that this world is such a visual world that it seems to take so much away from the joys of having a baby. Then he put the doppler to my belly and said, if you don't squeeze out a couple tears from hearing this, I would be beyond surprised.... Makes it real, doesn't it? All along, the more he said, the harder I cried. I wanted a hug.
Afterwards, we talked about my concerns. There were quite a few. Tanning, hot tubbing, hair dying - all things I need not worry about. I asked about the drinking, because I did plenty of that when I was on vacation. He said that he can't say it's not possible, but in his entire career, he's NEVER had a patient that had a baby with Fetal Alcohol Syndrom because the mother drank during pregnancy. He's heard of FAS from mothers who were chronic alcoholics and drank throughout the entire pregnancy... but he's never had one as a patient. Soooo... all my main fears have been put at ease... for now at least. :) We talked about cramping and aches and pains and he said that I had better get used to it. They're all perfectly normal signs of growth and that as long as there is no bleeding accompanied with these, there's no reason to worry!
All in all, it was a fantastic trip to the doctor. Except the blood part. My gray matter is mushy right now though. I don't feel like me. I wish I could go home and crawl in bed for the rest of the day. I didn't get to sleep until 1:30 this morning. And to top it off, some jackass that came in for a meeting with one of the producers at 10, is still here and EVERYONE else left to go to meetings... I want to go to lunch and this dipshit is hanging out in our conference room using our phones. What the fuck? Seriously, I'm hungry and quite frankly, I need some fresh air before my brain starts leaking out my fucking ear.
God I'm a mess.
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Oh my. My eyes are leaking for you right now!! Can you feel the virtual hug yet? I'm a squeezer so consider yourself vierually hugged biggly!!
I hope I don't come off as preachie or like a Mom ( coz you have a good one) but, I think you really need to either A.) Sit down w/ Babe while he reads your blog so he can start to understand a wee bit of what's going on with you emotionally or B.) Tell him to sit his elfing butt down and tell him how " the cow ate the cabbage!.
To read how in tuned you are to everything that is happening to you and reveling in the wonderousness of it all and still have the feeling of being alone in this w/o him showing the interest you want him to is heart wrenching! I know some men are oblivious to womens emotions but there comes a time when they have to step up to the plate. You may have to hold his hand and lead him down the right path!!
Sorry we aren't closer to you....We'd be there in a nano second for you....
Cuz I have a rule that nobody cries alone. ( which is why my eyes keep leaking as I write this!)ETK and I will be your cheering section K?
Great tree btw!!
Dogwood?
The cow ate the cabbage? I'm pretty sure that's a cliche of sorts, like why take the cow when you can get the milk for free, but it made me laugh out loud.
I know half of what I feel is hormonal and me wanting to be babied, but I think I SHOULD get that right now. I know, he's an stoopid boy and needs to be led through this process but I don't know how to have the energy for it. He can sense that I'm frustrated with him, won't talk to him, won't let him touch me, wont' make eye contact with him... I just cant. So he's goign to have to step it up if he wants the lovey dovey me back because this is too hard.
I know you would be here in a nano second if you could! You're so sweet!!! Its really nice to know that people care about you enough to get all squishy. I'm just havin a bit of a rough patch, it'll pass, I'm sure.